A-loe V-error, La

What's cooler than being cool? Ice cool!

My kinesiologist insists I drink aloe vera to balance my body.

Today at Food Republic (a level four food court with wonderful views of Orchid Rd) at the drinks kiosk I asked, clearly, for an aloe vera. The lovely lady behind the counter presented me with a beer.

In Singapore, it seems my Aussie accent is confusing the locals. On the street talking to friends people turn to stare at me. To Singaporeans, the Australian twang is unexpected from the mouth of a Asian. Not sure what they’d think of Penny Wong (mind you she’s a bit posher sounding than me, so they might think nothing of it).

Beyond that there are unique ways in which words are said here. In fact besides the four official languages of Singapore, (English, Malay, Chinese and Hindi) there is a fifth unofficial one – Singlish. It’s a local dialect that has its own rules of grammar and pronunciation.

Tampines is pronounced “tamp-pan-ees”. Tenses get chopped and changed at will. Words are dramatically exaggerated for effect, so “you’ll love it” becomes “you lurrrve it”.

Finally, sentences finish with a flourish. It’s confusing which is the right ending though, as some end with “la” and others “loe”. Getting the la / loe combination wrong is as bad as that joke about the Chinese dry cleaners (two Wongs make it white).

So it appears I innocently mispronounced aloe vera. With my best ocker I asked for aloe “v-eera” (rhymes with give me an ice cold beera) when really what I needed to ask for was aloe “v-error”. My bad. La. No, I tink I got it wong. Oh, that’s low.